(Originally published in Business Fraser Valley, August, 2010)
The first coach I recall meeting in person was a very positive, rah, rah young woman who thought anyone could do anything. She was very successful. She had a long, prestigious client list, she’d won awards for public speaking and her enthusiasm was contagious.
She was a great motivator but she wasn’t a coach. Coaches are not cheerleaders. An effective coach is like a personal trainer; if you have one, be prepared to work up a sweat.
A chief deliverable of a good coach is clear, complete feedback including identification of blind spots and a willingness to point them out no matter how painful they may be. The coach will then develop a plan to deal with blind spots that are causing a problem.
Blind spots are those aspects of our personalities or character that we can’t see for ourselves and therefore have no idea they exist. I had a nasty habit of rolling my eyes when I became frustrated with someone even though I intended to be careful not to show my frustration. One day, in the middle of a meeting, I made an employee so angry that he blurted out in front of everyone that I should stop rolling my eyes and treating him like a child. I was stunned. And embarrassed. I haven’t rolled my eyes since.
That experience made me wonder what other expressions I might be showing. I’ve learned that my face gives away everything. I smile, frown, blush, wrinkle my brow, avert my eyes, purse my lips and on and on. I want to be open and honest so controlling or disguising my facial expressions (if I could) is not the answer for me; instead, I change my behaviour from the inside.
As a behavioural coach, I am trained to help people change their negative behaviours rather than trying to figure out why those behaviours exist. I’ve learned through personal experience that self-knowledge through therapy has intrinsic value but does not often lead to changes. We can change our behaviours without knowing why they exist but knowing why they exist will not necessarily change our behaviours.
Dealing with peoples’ flaws is a tricky business. Coaching is not therapy. Solving the riddle of why we act the way we do is the purvey of therapists. Changing what we do is the purvey of coaches.
Why a sales person is afraid of making cold calls is not as important as learning how to deal with that fear. A good coach can help with that. Why someone is terrified of public speaking is not as important as how to do it anyway. A good coach can help with that too (as can Toastmasters).
The sweat that comes from coaching is the work required to change behaviours. All the cheerleading and positive thinking we can muster will not bring lasting change. Only when we change what we do will we become something better than what we are now.
