(Originally published in Business Fraser Valley, July, 2010)
I was a nerd at a time when nerds were just nerds, not future billionaires. I wanted to be one of the cool kids so I emulated kids I thought were cool. Of course, it didn’t work. Everyone saw me as a nerd trying to be cool.
One of my childhood friends, Graham was the neighborhood wit. He was hilarious. Even adults howled at his one-liners and quips. I tried to emulate him but my banter wasn’t (isn’t) very witty. I might hit the right note now and then but mostly I only raised eyebrows. Why did he say that? Graham had a way of saying things that I did not. We could say the exact same thing; he was funny but I was a smart ass or a jerk.
The paradox is once I stopped trying to be cool I became cool (at least a little bit). Turns out that the secret to being cool is something our parents tried to teach us long ago: just be ourselves. We are naturally drawn to people who are authentic.
Even though I know it doesn’t work for me, I am drawn back into that need to be cool from time to time. It slips out when I am uncomfortable in a situation or where I feel intimidated by the people around me. Even at my age (54) I can still feel inadequate under certain circumstances.
Most of us feel inadequate on occasion. Some of us try to alleviate feelings of inadequacy by trying to be more than we are; instead, we come across as someone who has a high opinion of him/herself. Others of us try to relieve our sense of inadequacy by avoiding or removing ourselves from any situation where we may feel uncomfortable; then we come across as anti-social or snobbish. We aren’t being authentic and everyone knows it.
In a business environment, inauthentic people are easy to spot. They may be telling bad jokes, speaking too loudly (louder than normal – some people are loud naturally), fawning over bosses or customers, or boasting about recent exploits. Of course, all of us are guilty of these types of behaviors from time to time. None of us is perfectly comfortable in our own skin.
Authenticy and inadequacy intersect at the point where our sense of inadequacy drives us into unauthentic behavior. The best way to deal with our sense of inadequacy is to accept it and choose to just be ourselves in spite of it. Accept that we feel nervous or awkward; perhaps even confess it to others. Admitting our discomfort often leads to others admitting theirs.
Authenticity is simply being who we are and letting the chips fall where they may. Chances are, wherever the chips fall, the outcome will be better than if we interfere by trying to be somebody else.
